Posted by: Ali Davis | June 6, 2010

New Oil Plumes Discovered in Mississippi

Jackson, MS – In a heartbreaking new development of the already tragic Deepwater Horizon oil spill, marine biologists have discovered new plumes of gushing oil at yet another site that is a beloved part of our nation’s heritage.

Multiple oil plumes have been discovered at 316 East Capitol Street, the site of the Governor’s Mansion.

Witnesses have been unable to suppress their tears as they watch oil-coated aides helplessly flapping on the front steps, just feet away from the BlackBerries they struggle so desperately to reach.

Inside, an even sadder scene awaits: Internet users all over the world have reacted with anguish to a series of heartbreaking Associated Press photos of Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour coated from head to foot in brown, viscous tar.

On Saturday the Governor, unable to gain his footing on the oil-slicked marble floor, sat with a dazed expression, exhausted from his efforts at reaching reporters’ outstretched microphones. For just a moment, he was able to gather enough strength to make small, rasping sounds.

“Shthee?” Barbour wheezed, “Justht like toothpa…” and then he gagged as a ball of tar oozed into his mouth, coating his teeth, tongue, and vocal cords. Bystanders froze in shock as they realized the terrifying implications:

Governor Barbour could not bloviate.

Rescue workers continue to try to coax Governor Barbour close enough to grab him and clean him off with dishwashing liquid and toothbrushes.

Given Barbour’s natural fear of environmentalists, the failure of early rescue attempts should not be surprising. The current crew, dressed as petroleum industry lobbyists and waving envelopes full of campaign contributions, has had modestly better luck in getting the Governor to approach.

“Try to think evil thoughts!” coached team leader Roxanne Archer, “He can smell good intentions!”

Concerned BP and Transamerica executives have already dropped by the mansion to coat the kitchen, bedrooms, and pantry with untested but “very promising” dispersant toxins. BP spokesperson Mike Beelzebub noted that household residents and staff “shouldn’t worry” about their now-soggy array of breakfast cereals. “Just spread ‘em out on some paper towels in the sunshine,” suggested Beelzebub, “That sheen will wear right off.”

Barbour has, at least, had the comfort of a visit from a fellow leader from an oil-soaked state. Former half-term Governor Sarah Palin dropped by to survey the disaster and take issue with reporters describing the scene as “tragic.”

“It’s no big schmeal,” Palin opined after winking to her fans and poking at Barbour with a stick, “Tragedy is way too strong a word. It’s not like he was super-pretty or the oil flattened down his updo or something.”

The Hemi-Governor paused to shudder. “Golly, that would be awful.”

Advertisements

Responses

  1. Awesome.

  2. I have missed this… *smile*

  3. Bloviate! love it!

  4. AWESOME.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: