Posted by: Ali Davis | June 28, 2010

Mermaids sink Tony Hayward’s Yacht

Disgraced BP CEO Tony Hayward suffered another setback in the process of getting his life back this weekend when his yacht was attacked by mermaids off the south coast of Cornwall.

A small crowd of horrified onlookers on the yacht was watched by a somewhat larger crowd of amused onlookers on shore as they all watched a bevy of enraged aquatic demi-humans emerge from the seafoam and smash an eight-foot hole in Hayward’s 52-foot yacht, Bob.

Once the vessel was listing and disabled, the sirens, described by one witness as clad in “only shells, but bad-ass,” ignored the other passengers and pulled Hayward into the sea.

The mermaids, dragging Hayward by his nostrils, swam far enough away from the endangered yacht to allow rescue crews to approach it, then turned on Hayward and delivered a series of ferocious aquatic wedgies, some with the aid of seaweed and discarded industrial fishing nets.

The enraged naiads next coated Hayward in what charitable witnesses described as “ambergris” and others more bluntly called “whale vomit.”

As the mermaids reportedly summoned several whales who began making noises “like Cerberus coughing up The Hairball of the Damned,” the latter account is probably more accurate.

Finally, as a bizarre souvenir of their attack, the mermaids took several photographs of the beautiful sea and charming coastline, carefully cropping out any sign of whale vomit, sinking yachts, or filth-coated petroleum executives.

The entire school/clique then left Hayward mired helplessly in noxious floating sludge and swam off to the east. Unconfirmed sightings on the Atlantic later that evening suggest that they are “very interested” in the date and location of Dick Cheney’s next fishing trip.



  1. May I say Kudos for the best use of the word “ambergris” since the final Season of “Futurama”. Let me also be the first to say…NERD!!

  2. Bravo! There is too little truly inventive humor around these days… Thank you.

  3. Hmmmmm. I’ll just be over here replaying this over and over in my head.

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