Posted by: Ali Davis | June 3, 2011

Q&A about the Male Fetal Implantation Act

I’ve gotten some responses regarding the innovative Male Fetal Implantation Act, so I decided to answer a missive that contains some of the most common questions. Be sure to take careful notes, or at least nod thoughtfully.

A Mr. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey writes:

Dear Ali,

While your proposal for the Male Fetal Implantation Act is intriguing, I’m worried about the possibility of a woman I haven’t even slept with or maybe don’t even like naming me as the father and having me implanted with her fetus.

What should I do if this happens? How can I prevent it?

And isn’t it a violation of my Constitutional rights to use me as an unwilling incubator?

First off, no, mandatory pregnancy can’t be considered a violation of your rights. It there’s one thing you should have learned from the current round of abortion legislation, it’s that fetuses trump the born. Either regress to being a zygote or get used to it.

As for your other questions, if you’re concerned that a woman might have you implanted with a fetus, the first thing you should do is take a look at what you might be doing to attract that kind of attention.

Are you wearing attractive clothes? Talking to women in a flirtatious or saucy manner? Making eye contact? If you’re indulging in any of those risky behaviors, you really can’t blame women for making assumptions about you.

Try preventive measures like never going to bars or clubs, never drinking alcohol, never going outside after dark, and never flirting with anyone, ever. You may also want to avoid attracting attention by speaking up in classes or the workplace. Avoid being alone, and avoid being in crowds. Avoid public transportation, parking lots, stairwells, elevators, and ground-floor apartments.

Sure, it will constrain your social life and career mobility, but you’re the one who has to take preventive measures here.

Above all, Richard, you should not have sex with women at all until you are married. Maybe even later.

If you do have sex when you’re married, be ready to produce and raise a child each time. It’s true that ongoing efforts to restrict access to birth control may make spontaneous intramarital lovemaking a challenge, but I’m sure you’ll agree that unfertilized bundles of genetic material should come right behind the fetus in our priorities, and certainly ahead of your sleazy unnatural desires for sex with your wife that doesn’t result in one of you getting pregnant.

If a woman does name you as a father and you are implanted with a fetus by legal mandate, I’m sure you will have some avenues for reassessment.

As an adult who is contemplating the agonizing decision about whether or not to go through with a pregnancy, you will probably have done a lot of hard thinking and deep soul-searching. But for the sake of the law, we’ll work under the assumption that you couldn’t possibly have done so. And even if you did, you might need some nudging in the right direction from people who have never met you.

So all you’ll have to do is go to your local abortion clinic (“Local” is a subjective term here. There is currently an 87% chance that there isn’t one in your home county, so pack a lunch.) and walk through the lines of protesters who will shout at you and maybe call you a slut who is making Jesus cry, but only for your own good.

Once you’re inside, you may also have to listen to a medically inaccurate lecture, be subjected to a medically unnecessary sonogram, or hand over personal information that may or may not be posted online.

I know that sounds exhausting, but you’ll most likely be able to take a rest during a mandatory waiting period of anywhere from 24 hours to one week. So maybe pack some more snacks with that lunch, and you probably shouldn’t put any mayo on your sandwich.

If it does turn out that you still want to have an abortion, Richard, it should be easily covered by your insurance, assuming you planned ahead and paid a higher premium for abortion coverage. And remember to save that receipt and any evidence about your implantation for when the IRS investigators come!

Above all, rest easy, and know that the new wave of reproductive law is there to protect, well, not you, exactly, but our nation’s image of what you should be.

So stop worrying about it and go read something about a sex scandal


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