Posted by: Ali Davis | June 5, 2011

John Boehner’s Abortion

Here’s an example of how the Male Fetal Implantation Act might work.

Let’s say a public figure – say, noted pro-life politician John Boehner – is implanted with a fetus.

Perhaps a young woman happens to run into him at a D.C. bar and they get to chatting about how if we make insignificant tax hikes on multimillionaires to save nutrition programs for children, the nation will immediately go Communist and the terrorists will have won. Kindred spirits, is what I’m saying.

They share a few drinks, have a few laughs, and when it gets late, Boehner, as a gentleman, walks her to her car.

And no one but those two people knows what happens after that.

A few weeks later, the young woman, pregnant, names Boehner as the father of her child and has him implanted with the fetus.

Boehner, as a happily married man, would deny the affair.

But it all comes down to a he-said-she-said argument, and Boehner is a politician. Those types are known to have affairs an awful lot. Why would he pursue a position of national prominence if he wasn’t prepared for people to make assumption about him?

And he’s known to maintain a rich tan at all times. Surely he knows that his personal appearance can make women notice him. If he doesn’t want this kind of trouble, he should be aware that maintaining his looks can draw the wrong sort of attention and protect himself accordingly.

Boehner, of course, has a dilemma here. At 61, he’s beyond his prime childbearing years. The implanting of a fetus in a man’s abdomen always has risks; Boehner’s advanced age could make the pregnancy fatal for him.

On the other hand, this is the man who named the “No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act” as one of his highest legislative priorities. And he’s put his money where his mouth is – he’s worked on limiting female choice much harder than he’s tried to create jobs. (And rightly so: Fetuses before the born, every time. It’s a simple principle, so you know it works in every case.)

So it’s not like Boehner would want to turn away his pregnancy, even if it wasn’t a willing pregnancy. The man obviously cares about fetuses and life.

Because if he didn’t really care that much about fetuses and was hellbent on strangling the rights (not to mention birth control options) of half the population of the United States solely for his own cynical political gain, that would make him an almost inconceivably monstrous, callous dickhead.

It would make him a man willing to play God (the detached, Deist kind) and destroy the lives of others with a careless stroke of the pen just so he could hang onto his seat for another term or two and soak up some more lobbying checks.

And we know that can’t be the case.

So Boehner, as a deeply principled man, would want to make lemonade and go through with his involuntary pregnancy. We have to assume that.

However, his life is in danger. And the political scandal would cause him to resign. Now, without all the lobbying checks his Congressional salary, Boehner doesn’t know how he’ll be able to care for the child. He’s an older man and pregnant. He doesn’t have a lot of job options.

And if he’s not watched, Paul Ryan will raise the bar again to make sure Bohner won’t even be able to collect Medicare in a few years.

Reluctantly, Boehner makes the decision to terminate the pregnancy.

Except he probably won’t be able to do that in his home state of Ohio, which has proposed an abortion ban after five weeks. The time it took for the mother to discover she was pregnant at all would eat up all of Boehner’s decision time.

The now-destitute Boehner certainly can’t get help paying for an abortion in Washington, D.C., and it’s increasingly unlikely that Boehner will be able to find a clinic in Virginia.

Assuming he’s in the D.C. area when he makes his decision, Boehner is lucky in that he lives in an area where travel times within and between states aren’t prohibitive, so it’s possible that Boehner could get to Maryland for an abortion.

Good luck finding a doctor, though – Congress is moving to cut off funds to train qualified doctors for the procedure,  and hospitals are increasingly leery of offering the procedure at all. That situation will only be exacerbated should Republican legislators succeed in prohibiting insurance companies that cover abortion services from participating in the national health insurance exchange.

So the odds are that Boehner will have to go with his involuntary, possibly life-threatening pregnancy.

But he can take comfort in the fact that he will have to do so because he cared so much.

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