Posted by: Ali Davis | June 9, 2011

Huckstory: The Reagan Revolution (Prologue)

If you order Mike Huckabee’s Learn Our History series on disc (and I am in no way suggesting that you should), you also get a code to watch the episodes online as soon as they’re released in case you’re so full of patriotic fervor that you just can’t stand the wait.

…But you don’t get the code right away. I put in the order over the weekend, and didn’t get my code until Monday, after the bank completed the transaction. Because this is Mike Huckabee’s free market America, deadbeat, not some Communist gulag where you get to watch videos for free, even temporarily.

That brings up an excellent slogan should Mr. H. decide to re-enter the Presidential race:

Huckabee 2012: Did Your Credit Card Clear?

OK, so on to the video. Sweet lord.

We start with a set-up prologue, in which we meet Addison, a spunky blue-eyed blonde girl who’s smart, but not so smart that she can’t be the likable main character. Let’s not go crazy here.

The smart character is her friend Simon. He invented a time (and location) machine. Guess what Simon’s ethnicity is. Really.

The team also includes Dahlia, a well-off mean girl, and Addison’s bully of an older brother. Bully Brother is a loudmouth who strong-arms the group into taking him along during the prologue, then never says or does another damned thing during the entire rest of the video.

There is one line directed at him by Addison late in the game. I think that was the writer’s way of covering for the fact that he or she completely forgot about the character for about 20 minutes, but I could be wrong. Maybe they’re building to something.

Silent Bully Brother is such a nonentity that I don’t have his name written down in my notes, which means I’m going to have to watch at least part of this video again to get it. Son of a bitch.

Rounding out the team is Barley, by far the most offensive character in the production. Barley is The Southern Character, played by an actor who seems to have learned southern dialects via correspondence course, or perhaps from a poster in a waiting room somewhere.

Barley wears overalls and exists for other characters to explain things to him. He’s so dumb that at one point another character has to tell him what taxes are. Apparently Huckabee is trying to light a fire under the secessionist movement. I look forward to Barley’s eventual banjo-backed proposal to a close cousin.

At this point, you might be wondering if these DVDs are simply low-budget educational videos that are trying way too hard to make learning fun. You may, as a caring homeschool parent, even be worried about that. Fortunately, Addison hastens to set the viewer straight.

She lets us know, through direct address, that these kids are time-traveling “to learn the truth about history.”

And then she elaborates on what you and the gang will learn through their travels: “What we’ll see and hear isn’t always what we read in books or see on TV. So what?! We know the truth. And that’s good enough for us.”

If you’re involuntarily cocking your head from side to side and you aren’t sure why, it’s because of all the dog whistles that just went off.

Essentially, Addison (and Huckabee) just said this:

“You know how liberals love those dumb old history facts that are so unfair because they seem to undermine your political arguments so often? And how sometimes those facts force you think about shameful things that hurt your self-esteem and give you the uncomfortable feeling that maybe you aren’t on the super-awesome extra-best always-winning team of ALL GOOD GUYS AND NO BAD GUYS THAT HAS NEVER BEEN WRONG and is both secretly and not-so-secretly blessed by Jesus?

Well, you won’t need to worry about any of those kinds of facts in this video series, my friends.

Only special feel-good facts that go down smoooooth. Not to mention you’ll feel like you win a lot more of your arguments because you’ll be making the kind of bold, confident assertions that render the other person incapable of doing anything but staring at you like a stunned fish.”

Welcome to the educational goals of the far right.

And think about the fact that this kind of teaching is increasingly being shoved into the mainstream: Cherry pick only the facts you like and do your best to erase everything else. And if someone tries to drag in information about people who don’t look like you or facts that make you angry? Deny, deny, deny.

OK, on to the actual story soon. Yes, I’m stalling a little.

But there’s no way I can hold out for long. It’s time for our brave adventurers to meet the most perfect human being who ever lived: Ronald Reagan.

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Responses

  1. Why do I have a feeling that these Huckabee video post are going to be in their own way, scarier than your “Terrifying Moments in Science”?

  2. Thank you for watching huckastory on behalf of your readers.

  3. […] we last checked in on our time travelers, we were still in the prologue and in Simon’s lab (garage?) talking about the vast swathes of […]


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