Posted by: Ali Davis | June 15, 2011

New Bill Extends Personhood to Alcohol-Fueled Flirting

MONTGOMERY, AL – Alabama’s Republican legislators gave jubilant high-fives all around after the swift passage of their latest law to target reproductive rights, one that grants personhood to any “flirtation, coquetry, or innuendo conducted under the influence of alcoholic beverages.”

The bill’s fate was uncertain late in the debate, as a breakaway liberal Republican faction argued that at least one participant would have to consume alcohol for a flirtatious exchange to be considered “under the influence.”

However, after several heartfelt, tearful speeches by middle-aged and elderly men on the joys and responsibilities of motherhood, the legislation swept through easily with a clause that a couple engaged in amorous banter need only be in the same room as alcoholic beverages for their exchange to be granted personhood.

Governor Robert Bentley announced his intention to sign the bill into law as soon as possible. “Who among us does not have a cherished story of becoming the most wonderful surprise your parents could have gotten after a night of Mai Tais and fox-trotting at the country club?” he asked assembled members of the press, “We just couldn’t deny that kind of joy – or God’s will, which is totally appropriate to take into consideration for secular laws – any longer.”

Under the new law, any two people who are capable of producing offspring together must do so once they have begun flirting, even if neither is aware that there is alcohol in the room.

Though some have called the so-called “awareness clause” unfair, advocates point out that anyone who isn’t ready for the responsibilities of compulsory parenthood should check all shelves, cabinets, and secret compartments for alcohol before entering any room anyway, and certainly shouldn’t be talking to other fertile adults.

Sponsors of the bill note that it will be difficult to fully enforce, but provisions have been made for state-appointed monitors to accompany flirting couples leaving any alcohol-containing premises to ensure that they engage in a brief but sincere marriage ceremony before retiring to the most convenient home to reproduce.

“It’s a triumph for morality and small-government conservatism,” a spokesman for the bill announced.

Couples attempting to purchase contraception on the way home face up to five years of jail time and morality lectures. Sentencing may be modified at the discretion of judges so as not to miss a female prisoner’s fertility window, which after all is her most important (if not only) reason for existing.

Spokespeople from several gay and lesbian organizations issued strong objections, noting that a gay man shouting “You go, girl!” at the lesbian who just hopped up on the bar to fix the sound system would be as construed as flirtation under the new law.

“See?” beamed Noreen Spires, a longtime advocate of the legislation, “They just needed to meet the right people.”

At any rate, inside observers have dismissed such criticism as beside the point: As the desires, thoughts, and feelings of a perhaps-unwilling parent have never been taken into consideration for the current crop of personhood bills, legal experts see no reason why they should be included in this one.

Transgender groups have also issued cautionary statements, noting that, for example, presumably safe “all male” groups may in fact contain male members who can become pregnant.

When this was explained to the bill’s primary sponsor, he stood openmouthed and blinked for three and a half solid minutes, and then recomposed himself.

“Zygotes first,” he stammered to reporters, “No more questions.”

Copycat personhood bills were immediately introduced in 14 other states.



  1. *dies*

  2. This has to be a joke. Two people who drink alcohol and decide to “hook up” is subject to arrest if they have sex under the influence of alcohol. I thought repugs wanted smaller government but now they are going to paid monitors to watch people’s behavior? OMG

    • It’s a joke.

      So far…

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