Posted by: Ali Davis | June 19, 2011

New GOP Bill Would Require Non-Pregnant Women to Remain in Menstrual Huts

Congressional Republicans are said to be “unbelievably excited” about a new House bill designed as companion legislation to H.R. 3 and the numberous antiabortion, anti-choice, and “personhood” bills that are currently captivating  our nation’s state and local lawmakers.

In essence, any woman who is not currently gestating a fetus would be confined to a gender-exclusive mentstrual hut out of the sight of men during daytime hours, “just in case.”

Exceptions are expected to be made for Republican women who currently hold or are running for political office, who are needed by officeholding and/or campaigning spouses for fundraising appearances, or who appear on Fox News Channel, provided they keep their appearances up to Republican Playmate/Ice Queen standards.

Women who can produce a notarized long-form Certificate of Infertility may be allowed outside on a probationary basis, but, as Represenative Joe Pitts noted, “most Congressmen don’t see what the point of that would be.”

Liberal women issued immediate, scathing protests at the attempt to restrict women’s freedom and livelihoods. In a frank and unusually lucid rebuttal, Speaker of the House John Boehner pointed out that the health and economic well-being of millions of women are profoundly endangered by the anti-choice legislation that has already passed, and nobody seems to mind.

“Frankly,” said the speaker, stroking his enormous symbolic gavel, “I think we’re going to knock this one out of the park.”

Representatives from the National Institute of Health attempted to note that non-pregnant women do not, in fact, menstruate all of the time, but were immediately interrupted by Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “Ew,” said the Virginia Congressman in an emphatic statement from the Capitol steps,

“It’s just that kind of talk about …flowers… that makes this hut thing necessary. Making sensible small-government laws about women’s reproductive systems shouldn’t mean that I’m force to think or learn about them. Stop infringing on my rights.”

Female Republican legislators, when asked for comment, sighed, put cold compresses on their foreheads, made quick calls to verify that selling out half the population would maintain 80 percent of their campaign donations, then muttered something about Jesus and cut off questioning.

“We don’t hate or fear women,” clarified Senator Orrin Hatch in anticipation of the House’s swift passage of the bill, “We just don’t think they should be doing all that walking around outside, not being pregnant.”

“Besides,” soothed Hatch, “It’s not like you gals will have time to fret about it once you have a few kids churned out.”

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