Posted by: Ali Davis | May 8, 2016

This is never easy.

Lance, could you come in here?

Sure, brah.

As you know, we took a bit of a chance bringing you on here at Royal Bakeries–

But so worth it, right? I NAILED it yesterday.

Well, let’s review.

Sure thing.

The king put in a lunchtime order for — let me make sure I have this correct — “Something simple. Maybe just a pasty or a grilled cheese and fruit or something.”

Yup. Talked to the Order Wench myself.

And what you sent over was an enormous pie containing two dozen blackbirds.

I knew it was my shot and I wanted to rock it.

OK. Let’s go back over this. You know the king likes chicken and goose and quail. Have you ever heard him mention blackbirds as a food preference?

No, but did you know that if you go to market, you can get like eight blackbirds for the price of one goose?

There’s a reason for that.

I’m all “If he’s in the counting-house counting out his money, let’s show him how far we can make that money go and still be epic,” right?

OK. Let’s talk about the choice to not cook or even kill them.

Thinking outside the box, brah! I call the oven the box.

I deduced that. So when the king tucks into the enormous pie that’s been sent over as a simple lunch, he’s suddenly confronted by the screeching of twenty-four terrified blackbirds that have been crammed together in the dark under a pie crust.

Fuckin’ dainty, right?

Well, the first thing we need to do is have you look up the word “dainty.”



Bro, that is so not what I thought it meant.

So I gathered.

You’re saying he didn’t like it.

His Majesty totally lost count. And his appetite.

Oh, dude.

And you would not believe the workman’s comp claim the maid just filed.

So this is it? I am wicked bummed.

Look, it’s obvious that you’re a hard worker and you meant well. I’ll tell you what: I hear they need workers for the London Bridge crew. I’ll give you a good recommendation.

Awesome, brah! I’ve already got some great ideas.


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